GRIEF
Grief is the emotional equivalent of vomit -
very unpleasant but very necessary. Swallowing it, like swallowing your
vomit, will lead to bad consequences.
The thoughts that flood into the mind following the death of a loved one will
range from truly selfless regret, through guilt - ‘if only I’d done
this, hadn’t done that,’ etc - to the most appallingly selfish -
‘Thank God it wasn’t me’, ‘Why did you leave me, you
bastard’, ‘Thank God I don’t have to put up with your . . . .
any more’, and probably worse. It is
important to understand that these mean nothing. It is just
the brain, the psyche, getting rid of unwanted rubbish as it looks for ways to
help you deal with the pain of a wrenching reality. Just let them go.
Much of what we do is determined in our unconscious mind and it can
always be trusted to strive for our best interests. Once it has moved
these thoughts from the darker reaches of your mind out into the daylight of
your consciousness, they can no longer fester and disturb – they lose any
power to harm you.
Forget dreadful buzzwords such as ‘closure’ and ‘moving
on’. They are part of the modern, and grotesque, idea that no one
anywhere should have to suffer anything ever, and they are not only meaningless
they can be downright injurious.
Grief cannot be ‘closed’ - there is no end to it - you lose a loved
one and you remember it, and them, always - as you should - how else will you
learn, perhaps gain a little wisdom, benefit from
their part in your life? The disabling effects of grief
naturally dwindle – gradually the time between waking and the first
memory becomes longer and the inevitable emotional response to that memory
becomes less painful. You are letting go of the unimportant parts of the
relationship. The best part of a loved one will always be with you.
You will know when your clinging to grief is becoming self-indulgence by
answering the question, ‘would . . . have wanted me to be permanently
miserable, or would they have wanted me to remember them but to enjoy my
life?’ And what would you have wanted for them had you died first?
As for ‘moving on’, how can you possibly not? With the first
breath you take after the death you are moving on. Every action, however
trivial, changes your entire future. There is no time when nothing
happens - always there are consequences - always you are ‘moving
on’. Grieving is part of adjusting to a new normality.